Living with half a heart...

So much has happened to me since last I blogged....I think if I talked about everything, I'd have a novel.  I never thought I would ever have to be without my kids....just always thought they would be here and that I would be there for them too.   But things change...that roller coaster of life is picking up steam.   My daughter Regan and her family moved to California in June.  When they left to get on that plane, I felt like my heart was breaking.   I have to be honest...I did not take this very well....I was happy for their opportunity, but so sad for what we would all lose.   The commraderie of family.   I felt myself slipping into a depression when I first found out....I just could not stop crying....but time helps everything get better.   I flew out to see them last month.  I had never flown by myself before, so this was pretty scary for me, but I did it.   It helped that Rich put me on a non stop flight....not sure if going out there helped my anxiety but it was good to see their new home and their surroundings.   It is definitely NOT Indiana.  I believe this with all my heart....no PLACE can make you happy....and home is where your heart is.   If your family is there with you, then you will bloom where ever you are planted.   Regan is like her Dad....she will make it.

   My blog has usually been about the pitfalls of growing older...I like to look at life with a sense of humor, because if I don't, I might cry, but mainly because my bunions are killing me.   Sagging skin, age spots and learning to shop differently.   Now I don't look for the most stylish thing, I look for things that cover but still look stylish...I am going to a wedding in October and needed a dress.   Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a dress with sleeves, that hides a belly and is not too short, but still looks stylish and maybe is a little bit sexy?   Well I found one....and it was on the clearance rack.....probably because not too many older ladies are looking for a dress right now.   Boo yah....I felt like hit the jack pot....it's the little victories that keep you  going....I even found a pair of heels that fit.  Let's just say I will wear them to the wedding, but will have other shoes to put on.   

Reflecting...

Its been 6 months since I last blogged....so I thought I would write some thoughts down.   So much has happened the last six months.   We lost our beloved sister Karen in January....such a big huge loss.   We knew she had a fatal disease, but I think we all thought that Karen would beat this....she was so optimistic about it, but when the time came, it took her so quickly.  Being with someone as they take their last breath is an experience you will never forget....I have been with three people that I love now as they passed and in the end....all that matters is the love.
   Recently, I became terribly ill with a rather mysterious illness....it really bothers me that something like this could happen to me and I live in fear now that it could happen again.   They think I contracted this bacteria from shaving my legs....so sorry Rich....there will be no landscaping anymore.....I bought an electric shaver, so that will have to be good enough.  My bikini days are over.  Being this sick makes you realize that you are vulnerable.   I think alot of us think we are invincible...I know when you are young....you think you will never get old....I was so guilty of this.   But there comes that certain age, when things just change....for me...it just seemed like it happened so quickly.   One minute I was this energetic, young woman and the next....I was fighting the menopause pounds that come.   Your desire, your energy and your skin changes....but you fight through that and keep your young thoughts about you.   I have alot more life to live.....
   Today, we leave for Paris and a trip of a lifetime.   This is Rich's dream....its not necessarily mine....but I am excited to see all these places.   We knew now was the time to do this....it will be a very exhausting trip....sightseeing is work, but it is so exciting.   We are going with our friends Ken and Peggy Norus....so there is safety in numbers and we always have so much fun with them.  So I have all my comfortable walking shoes, no high heels this trip.
   I have never been away from my family this long before, so it will be a challenge for all of us.   I love them so much and I know they depend alot on Rich and I.   This will be good for them....and for us.   Rich needs this break from work....it is so demanding.   I have always been a caregiver, so it will seems strange to have somebody taking care of me.....but I think I will get used to it.

I hope I purr....

We just said our good-bye to our beautiful big Max....It was such a hard thing to do.  Max was there with us purring and wanting to be petted.   I wish he looked more sickly and appeared to be suffering more....it would have been so much easier.   We spoke with Dr  Carter extensively and asked every question we could think of.   We asked what it would be like in the end for Max if we just let it go.   He said it would be a very painful slow death.   Max was already sending out the signs that it was nearing the end.   He retreated to the bathtub where he found comfort and solitude and started doing some very bizaare things that just was not like him....like eating cat litter.   He had pretty much stopped eating and drinking and all he did was just lay in the bathtub...he didn't even want me to hold him for very long.   Not much of a life and watching him go through this was not easy on me either.   Rich and I decided together that ending his life before the decline begins and the end happens would be the kindest thing for him.   Dr. Carter gave Max the shot....and I wrapped my arms around him and just hugged him closely....he just laid there in my arms and purred....I told him the story about how I heard about Ragdolls in Oprah's Favorite things.   Then I researched it and wanted a Ragdoll even more.   Then the next Sunday in the paper, I just happened to see an ad in the paper for Ragdoll kitties for sale.  I called her and she still had the kitties.  She was a vet and had been a breeder of Ragdolls for 17 yrs.   I went all by myself to get Max....it was north of Lafayette.  I remember going into her office and seeing the four little kitties, but Max was the biggest one and clearly....he was the one for me.  I was so proud and so excited about my little Ragdoll kitten.   Max was my grandbaby so to speak....we all loved him so much....later that year, I was blessed with Karaline.   Oh how Max loved the babies....he would lay with Regan while she nursed Karaline.   Max would lay with Karaline and watch over her, just like a dog.   He was the most loving and wonderful cat and we will miss him so much.  As I laid with him and my tears made his face wet, I know that he knew he was loved and I knew I made him comfortable in my arms.  I hope that is the way I get to go someday....purring and being in the arms of the person I love the most.

Trying not to be too gross....

I remember when I was younger and I saw older people, I used to think....ewww....but now that I am getting older...I view it totally different.  My aim is to do it gracefully and to not be that gross.  We were with our best friends last night...just sitting out on their porch talking and having a good time.   All of a sudden we all heard something...could have been thunder, but our friend looked at her husband and just shook her head...."seriously...did you have to do that?"  We all just laughed...what's wrong with breaking wind with friends....LOL   I remember going to Beef and Boards with Regan and Karaline...we had a great time, but its  about two hours and as we were walking to the car....I tooted...Karaline goes.."Mimi..." and Regan starts laughing and then I start laughing and the toots came all the more. We eventually made it to the car and I am pretty sure there were some people that probably heard me, but there was just nothing that I could do...but I am pretty sure we made a memory that day.
   I find myself making noises when I do almost anything...not real sure why that happens.  When you are sitting on the floor and then you try to get up....it is almost impossible to not make a grunting noise.  I am trying to stop that, but for some reason it is just an automatic.  I am trying to moisturize more....I think moisturized old skin looks better and my finger nails have decided to split and get ridges, so just cutting them as short as I can just frees up worrying about them anymore and they look better.  I have found some shoes that make my feet feel better, so I am not in pain anymore with my bunion....so thank goodness for that.  My nightly ritual of plucking is always a highlight of my day....NOT.  One of my biggest fears is that someday I will be too old and I can't do it anymore.  I need to start training Karaline now...oh yes, how she will love this.  I love my little blue pill and no, its not Viagara...it is Neoproxene...one of those really helps the aches and pains.
   All in all, I think I am keeping the grossness at a minimal for now....but it is something I am definitely aware of.  I am determined to not be gross....but to be beautifully ageless....yeah right....just when you least expect it...something will snap you back to reality....it is just a fact of life...besides...if you can't laugh at yourself you might cry...so I choose laughing and loving.

That complete feeling of happiness...

A friend of mine just said to me....You haven't blogged for awhile, I'm sure you have alot to say since Leah is born.  I have been so busy since our sweet baby has been born, but she is right, I do have some wonderful thoughts and feelings.
   Our baby decided to come into this world rather unexpectedly.  I got a call from Seth in the afternoon on June 10th....he said, Amber is going to the hospital...her contractions are about 6 minutes apart.  I was in the middle of a photo shoot, but I knew I had time to finish, which I did.  I then rushed to the hospital.  When I got there, Amber was having some very hard contractions and was asking for the shot.   It is just so common now to get the shot and why wouldn't you, the relief is instant.  I remember suffering through the whole ordeal on my own, but that is just the way it was back then.  We finally got in to see Amber and she looked great, we all waited in there with her from that point on.  Time just doesn't mean a whole lot when you are in the hospital and you are waiting.  Things seemed to be going ok, but they were a little concerned with the baby's heart beat....it would have what they called d-cells, which mean the baby was in distress when she would have a contraction.   The Dr. said a few of these were normal, so we weren't too concerned...after midnight, her Dr. got a little bit more concerned with the baby's heart rate and by 2:00 am....he came and and said he didn't like what was going on and he just felt like he needed to get that baby out now.   Amber's big eyes got even bigger and filled with tears....Seth looked like Rich and I....pretty shocked and not sure what was happening.  He moved very quickly from that point on.  We all gave Amber a big hug and kiss and watched them roll her out of the room...Seth put on his surgery garb and left to be with Amber.   I was just so nervous, I paced outside the surgery doors....I finally asked one of the nurses to please go in and see what was going on.   She came back to me and said...I hear a baby crying.   She didn't know anything else, but she said she was pretty sure the baby was fine.   Seth texted us that there was a problem with Amber and that we weren't in the the clear yet.  It seemed like we waited forever, but eventually they came back into the room.  Leah was stuck in the vaginal canal and had to be ripped out of Amber.   The Dr. had to tear her uterus and cervix to get Leah out.  She lost quite a bit of blood, but they were able to stop it and she was ok.  Seth said it was the scariest thing he has ever lived through and he knew things got really serious once the baby was out.   All he could think was....Please God, don't take her from me, I don't want to do this alone.  Our story has a happy ending...Amber and baby are just fine.  I remember the first time I laid eyes on her....I just couldn't believe how beautiful she was.   For a newborn baby....she was just perfection.  I just felt this complete feeling of happiness.  It was the most awesome feeling.  A person's life is always remembered by moments.  I remember each one of the moments of each one of the grandkids...each moment is etched in my memory.  I witnessed the birth of Karaline and Nickolas and I would have witnessed Leah's birth, but things didn't work out that way...I remember when Sean was born, waiting in the waiting room with Amber's parents...and then seeing Seth come walking down the hallway with the biggest smile on his face.   We didn't know what sex they were having, so when he came out and said a boy and he was 8 lb 7 oz....we were all so surprised and happy.  I am so happy that Amber's Mom was there for Sean....such a blessing for Amber and her.
   I am still basking in the glow of happiness....it hasn't worn off yet...everytime I see her, that feeling comes back.  Amber is such a good Mother, so I know for now, she is doing great.  I help when I am needed.  I will be baby sitting for Leah when she goes back to work in September.  I had to take Sean today to swimming lessons.  I didn't quite know where I was going, but I found it.  Amber had given me the Y-card to get in, but I forgot it in the car....so I had to turn around and go back to the car to get it.  We were running late so I attempted to run.  I guess I haven't ran in awhile because the experience kind of set me back a little. I remember what it was like to run.....and this WAS NOT HOW IT SHOULD FEEL.  My leg just felt so heavy and I certainly was NOT MOVING like I used to.   Sean and I made it to the lesson....a little bit late, but he got his lesson in.  I am not that old, but I just realize more and more, that what once was....is no more.   A different kind of outlook on life takes over which is rather liberating.  You worry less about things that you have no control over...and think about your happiness more.  I have four beautiful grandchildren and I love my kids and their spouses with all my heart.  The man I fell in love with in high school, is still the love of my life and my best friend.  We have made a family that we can be proud of.  Do we have a perfect life....heck no...we have problems just like everyone else, but when you have a good core foundation in your family and you know what is important...you know the problems will have solutions and everything will be alright because you will get through it....together.

So this is 60....

   Its been way too long since I wrote in my blog.  Turning 60 is one of the BIG birthdays in your life.  Its big for lots of reasons.  Its a big number....but it also reaffirms that you are really getting old.  For all you out there that are young and think that you will never get old....I am just here to tell you, that I was you, not that long ago.  For such a very long time...you just don't seem to age.  I remember my 20's as being so hard.  We were having babies and building houses.  I hardly remember them, but I LOVED my 30's.  They were the BEST.  Every year, from here on out, just got better.  Sure there were ups and downs....but physically, things just got better.  Being 40 never bothered me....it was no different than turning 30.  I didn't feel any different and I didn't look any different.  At this point I am thinking....this aging thing isn't so bad.  When I turned 50, it took me by surprise, because again....I didn't feel any different or really look any different.  Age in your middle years, doesn't seem to matter, but now that I am 60, I finally feel my age and look my age. My brick wall hit me at 55....its called menopause.  Every year since then....I have seen a difference.  For so long, you just seem to always be the same, but once you reach 60, you see yourself age.  Things that didn't hurt before, suddenly hurt.  We were all laughing about the commercials for Depends....Rich says alot of football players are doing commecials for them.  Seriously...if you need Depends, you aren't gonna care that much how they look, only THAT THEY WORK.  Someone I know said there is no excuse for not exercising and eating right and JUST DOING IT.  Well, when I was in my 40's...I said the same thing.  I eat better than I ever have, but exercising, is a personal thing to each person.   No one knows the pain and the energy level of that person and until you walk in their shoes....you just can't pass judgement.  I have a really good friend who is in his 60's and he has really been exercising alot, so much in fact that he has hurt his knee.  Strenuous exercise is good, but when you push yourself too far, your body will let you know and you will have to pay for it for a long time.   You just don't bounce back like you use to.  It really sucks, but I think the whole aging process is just that....a PROCESS by which you are made to accept the fact that you are getting old.  My body maybe be aging, but my brain still remains young.  I am finding more comfort in the little things of life.  A good healthy meal and sitting outside or in our hot tub.  Traveling is still important to me...but I know that at some point...it will just be too hard, so we will do alot of traveling the next 10 yrs.  I find that my family and my home are what bring me the most joy.  I'm looking forward to Rich retiring....I never thought I would say those words...and I am not sure what it will look like.  Rich has always been such a worker and so successful...I am sure he will find something else to do, but I don't think he will ever be able to leave it totally.  I just hope he can find a good balance and he can actually enjoy his retirement that he has earned.  I just want to be the BEST that I can be and do what I can to retain what I have and slow the process down.  I want to be around to hold my great grandchildren someday.  So I will laugh at myself more often,do the things that I have been wanting to do and  tell those I love that I love them more.  I will keep taking pictures and writing in my blog.  These are the things that will live on after I am gone.